TorchwoodTARDIS IM Network
by Di-br
Summary: A series of IMS conversations between the Doctor and Jack. Set after "Journey's End".
1. The Doctor and Jack

**Summary:** Jack creates an IMS service for the TARDIS so that they can have another way of contacting the Doctor when there's trouble... And also because he likes to chat!

**Characters/Pairings:** The Doctor, Jack... allusions to Jack/Ianto.

**Rating: **PG (?)

**A/N: **I had the idea for this right after reading a bunch of Torchwood IMS fics on LJ, and then watching _"The Stolen Earth"_. It finally hit me that Jack, Sarah Jane and the other characters wouldn't have to go through all that trouble to contact the Doctor if the guy just had an e-mail! Or an IM service of some kind. After all, he does have a computer... or maybe it's just a computer screen... but he does have a keyboard pad in there, so it would be just a matter of creating an account for the guy. And that's pretty much how this story was born.

This is un-beta'd (which is not a very good idea, considering English is not my first language and I'm sure this must be full of grammar errors), un-finished and un-anything. I just wrote it for a friend and for the fun of it. But I do hope you'll enjoy it.

**Spoilers Through: **This is supposed to be set after _"Journey's End"_, right before _"The Other Doctor"_.

Also, this is post-season 2, pre-_"Children of Earth"_ for Torchwood.

* * *

.

**11:30 AM.**

_JACK is now online._

.

**12:07 PM.**

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

JACK: HAHA! Took you long enough.

TARDIS: What????

JACK: It is you, Doc, isn't it?

TARDIS: I... What... JACK?! Captain Jack Harkness, is that you?!

JACK: Of course it's me! Do you know any other Jacks?

TARDIS: Well, I'm 900 years old, I've travelled all over the Earth, the Universe and beyond, and do you have any idea how common that name is?

JACK: Good point. Hold on.

.

_JACK has changed their display name._

.

'THE' JACK: Better now?

TARDIS: Modest as always.

'THE' JACK: It's one of my defining qualities. =)

TARDIS: Yeah. Sure.  
TARDIS: So what is this, then? One moment I got this weird signal up on the console, next thing I know this messenger window pops up on the screen! What's this all about?

'THE' JACK: That was me.

TARDIS: Yeah, I figured as much. How are you doing this? Did you change something on the TARDIS systems?

'THE' JACK: Naaaaaaaaaaaw! I'd never do that.

TARDIS: Jack…

'THE' JACK: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I DID! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! Geez… How do you do that? I can't see you and yet I can feel your eyes piercing right through me. Is it a Time Lord thing?

TARDIS: Jack!!! How many times have I told you, you can't mess about with the TARDIS computers! Do you have ANY idea what you could have done????

'THE' JACK: Installed a webcam?

TARDIS: JACK!!!

'THE' JACK: I'm just kidding! Of course I know it, I'm not an idiot!

TARDIS: Oh, really?

'THE' JACK: Oi!

TARDIS: The TARDIS holds the knowledge of centuries of history from planets, galaxies, universes, parallel universes… billions of different races and societies… The whole of time and space, all inside these computers.

'THE' JACK: Oh, please. It's not even a Mac.

TARDIS: Wha... WE'RE BEYOND THAT!

'THE' JACK: AGAIN, just kidding! But if you'll let me explain myself here, I think you might just appreciate what I've done for you.

TARDIS: Oh yes?

'THE' JACK: Yeah! You see, the only way I have of contacting you is using that phone Martha gave you, right? It's the only way any of us can talk to you, right?

TARDIS: I suppose so, yes.

'THE' JACK: Do you remember the last time I tried calling you? The last time any of us tried calling you? With Davros and the Daleks and the Earth being stolen... End of the universe, that sort of stuff?

TARDIS: How could I forget?

'THE' JACK: Right, so we couldn't get through to you because the Daleks were blocking the signal, BUT when we used the Hub to boost the signal using the power of the Rift, it went through, right?

TARDIS: Well… I remember Sarah Jane and Mr Smith helped you a bit there, didn't they?

'THE' JACK: Uh, not exactly. Turns out all cell phones on the planet calling the same number at the same time got us nothing more than a worldwide jammed line.

TARDIS: Oh.

'THE' JACK: But the Hub got through to you! And then you followed our signal.

TARDIS: I did, yes. And I still don't understand what that's got to do with anything.

'THE' JACK: My point is sometimes calling your cell phone might not work. We need another way of reaching you if that one option is discarted.

TARDIS: And how will an instant messenger service work any better than a telephone network?

'THE' JACK: It's not just any instant messenger service, it's THE HUB's instant messenger service. We have access to any satellite on Earth, all we have to do is... borrow them. Actually, we don't even use them more than a usual network does, we just need them to set up a location and we use the power of the Rift to send the signal to your TARDIS.

TARDIS: Very good...

'THE' JACK: However, our satellites can't set up a location through time no matter how much they try, but your TARDIS can, so last time we met, I took the liberty to use a tiny bit of your harddrive to create a permanent link with the Hub through time as well as space, so we can contact you no matter where or _when_ you are.

TARDIS: Wow! Impressive.

'THE' JACK: Thanks, I get that a lot. =)

TARDIS: This is beyond anything you've ever done before.

'THE' JACK: Aw, stop it, I'm blushing.

TARDIS: No, honesly, you could never have thought of it on your own. Whose idea was it?

'THE' JACK: Oh, alright, spoilsport! It was Ianto, using a software Tosh created from a project she was working on.

TARDIS: Clever!

'THE' JACK: Yeah, she was.

TARDIS: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

'THE' JACK: It's alright.

TARDIS: So... what do you want me for?

'THE' JACK: Excuse me?!

TARDIS: You called me up on this Torchwood-Tardis network thing. Is there something wrong?

'THE' JACK: Oh, right. Sorry, my mind went somewhere else.

TARDIS: JACK!!!

'THE' JACK: WHAT? It's your fault! You know me, you should choose your words more carefully next time!

TARDIS: Just answer the question, will you?

'THE' JACK: Nothing! There's nothing wrong.

TARDIS: Why did you call me, then?

'THE' JACK: Oh... you know... After everything we went through... And you never _ever_ call... I thought I'd just... check up on you. See how you're doing.

TARDIS: A chat? Is that it? You just wanted to chat?

'THE' JACK: Yeah, pretty much.

TARDIS: I see.  
TARDIS: This is what this networking is all about, isn't it? It's got nothing to do with finding a way for you to reach me when there's trouble, is it?

'THE' JACK: Well... not _completely_...

TARDIS: So your friends went through all that trouble, they set up this brilliant and truly complex network on their own, just so that you could have a way of chatting with me?!

'THE' JACK: Well of course not! I didn't tell them what I was gonna do with it, that would have been stupid.

TARDIS: Do I even need to tell you anything, Jack?

'THE' JACK: Oh come on, Doc! It's not like I'm creating a time paradox, altering timelines, destroying parallel universes or anything, I just wanted to talk to a friend! Is that so wrong?

TARDIS: You're wasting my time, that's what you're doing! Time that I could be spending visiting different worlds, saving galaxies.

'THE' JACK: OH! Now who's the 'modest' one?

TARDIS: Alright, point taken.

'THE' JACK: Ok, so maybe there are things out there that are more important than me, maybe this is bellow all the heroics you get to do in your daily schedule, but you know what? I think you need this as much as I do.

TARDIS: I beg your pardon?!

'THE' JACK: Don't think I haven't seen you, Doc. I know how lonely you must feel now that Donna's gone. Well, now that everyone's gone! You're left traveling on your own. No one to talk to, no one to listen to.

TARDIS: And that's how it must be.

'THE' JACK: Oh, don't give me that "last of the Time Lords" crap! I know you're hurting. You miss having someone to talk to, you miss doing anything that isn't epic in any way, you miss just wasting your time.  
'THE' JACK: I'll tell you what, Doc. I've been giving it some thought and I think you should just suck it up and face it: whether you like it or not, I'm the only one that will always be there for you. At the end of the world, when all civilizations are gone, I'll still be there. With you. And there's nothing you can do about it.

TARDIS: Well, you do have a point there. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get rid of you.

'THE' JACK: Oh, please! Like you've been trying.

TARDIS: I _have_! Sattelite Five. The Daleks shot you, you died, Rose brought you back. We left you behind, on your own, in the future!

'THE' JACK: Ok, so maybe you tried _once_.

TARDIS: The end of the Universe! The TARDIS went all the way there just to shake you off!

'THE' JACK: OK, twice, then! But you haven't done anything since then.

TARDIS: We've only seen each other once since then!

'THE' JACK: And you didn't do anything to keep me away.

TARDIS: Well, I didn't let you stay with me either!

'THE' JACK: FINE! You win! If you want me to turn off the network, I'll do it.

TARDIS: No.

'THE' JACK: What?

TARDIS: No, you're right. I guess I could use someone to talk to.

'THE' JACK: Seriously?

TARDIS: Yeah. Why not?

'THE' JACK: Oh, ok. Great!

TARDIS: Besides, it's a good way for me to keep track of all the mess that you're doing with the Rift.

'THE' JACK: Hey! We're protecting people here! Not everyone can afford to spend their lives sightseeing across the universe, some of us have REAL work to do.

TARDIS: Of course, real work. Like the one you're doing right now?

'THE' JACK: Lunch break!

TARDIS: Right.

'THE' JACK: Fine, you're right, I should go back to work. Ianto is probably wondering how a report on weevils stuck in toilet seats is taking more than four hours to get finished anyway.

TARDIS: Sounds lovely.

'THE' JACK: But to be honest, two of those four hours were entirely his fault!

TARDIS: I... really don't want to know.

'THE' JACK: It's not my fault he looks so good with that UNIT cap Martha gave him!

TARDIS: Jack, I really, REALLY don't want to know!

'THE' JACK: He knows the effect that thing has on me and he still decided to wear it today!

TARDIS: I'M LEAVING NOW!!!

'THE' JACK: Hahahaha Relax, Doc! I was just kidding again.

TARDIS: No, you weren't!  
TARDIS: Seriously, though, I really have to go now. I just picked up a signal. Earth, 1851, Christmas Eve, something's not right there. Oh, why is it always at Christmas?  
TARDIS: Anyway, I should go and have a look.

'THE' JACK: Need any assistance?

TARDIS: Nah, got it covered. It's Christmas! What could possibly go wrong?  
TARDIS: Don't answer that question!

'THE' JACK: Hahaha bye, Doctor.

TARDIS: Bye, Captain.  
TARDIS: OH and Jack?

'THE' JACK: Yes?

TARDIS: Thanks. For the chat.

'THE' JACK: Any time. =)

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_'THE' JACK is now offline._

_._

_

* * *

_

Aaaand that's it!

What did you think? I hope it wasn't _too_ bad and that I didn't go too OOC with the characters. Please, let me know if I did. =)

Please review!


	2. The Doctor and Ianto

This chapter was written because the friend I wrote this fic for is a big Ten fan and a HUGE Ianto fan. After _"Children of Earth"_, I thought this would cheer her up a bit. :)

I've always thought that Ianto and the Doctor would get along really well if they ever met...

* * *

.

**4:17 PM.**

_TARDIS is now online._

_._

TARDIS: Uh… hello?

.

**4:20 PM.**

_JONES has joined the conversation._

.

JONES: Hello?

TARDIS: OH. Sorry, wrong number.

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

JONES: Hello again.

TARDIS: Sorry, I must be doing something wrong here. Hold on.

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

JONES: Are you having fun?

TARDIS: Not exactly.

JONES: Can I help you?

TARDIS: Well, I'm afraid not… You see, a friend of mine set up this… this… multi-temporal-inter-spacial private network thing, but apparently, this is not a secure channel.

JONES: OH! It's you! You're him!!!

TARDIS: I'm who?

JONES: I'm sorry, sir! I'm terribly sorry, I hadn't realized it was you!

TARDIS: Do you know who I am?

JONES: You're The Doctor.

TARDIS: How can you possibly know who I am?

JONES: Jones. Ianto Jones, sir, Torchwood Three.

TARDIS: OH! Ianto Jones! I'm so sorry. Nice to meet you, Ianto Jones, Jack has talked about you – well, too much, actually. For a moment there I feared I was talking to some nerdy young man in his bedroom.

JONES: Well, I'm not in my bedroom.

TARDIS: Nice.

JONES: So… You said… Jack has talked about me?

TARDIS: Oh, just something about weevils and toilet seats and you in a UNIT cap. I didn't really ask for details there, sorry. Actually, I was begging him not to give me any details!

JONES: Well, sir, that's probably a smart move, Jack can get pretty graphic if you let him.

TARDIS: Don't I know it!  
TARDIS: He also told me you were the one who created this network.

JONES: Yes, I did.

TARDIS: And you used a software your friend Tosh created, is that right?

JONES: Yes, sir.

TARDIS: Well then, Ianto Jones, I must say you're brilliant! This is just brilliant!

JONES: Wow, thank you, sir! Coming from The Doctor himself… This is big!

TARDIS: I know! You should get a raise.

JONES: I've already copied our conversation and fowarded it to Jack.

TARDIS: He's not there, then, is he? Jack?

JONES: I'm afraid not. It was his turn to go weevil hunting today.

TARDIS: Didn't he go yesterday?

JONES: No, sir. Yesterday it was my turn.

TARDIS: What about the weevils and toilet seats?

JONES: That was last week.

TARDIS: Last week?!

JONES: Yes, sir.

TARDIS: Oh well, I suppose I just… lost track of time. Which happens quite a lot, actually, travelling through time and all that.

JONES: It happens to me too, sir, just by working here.

TARDIS: I'm sorry, but could you please drop the 'sir'? It's like I'm constantly reminded of how old I am.

JONES: S'alrite, m8!

TARDIS: Haha Now that's just silly!

JONES: Sorry.

TARDIS: Could you tell Jack something for me, then? Just leave him a note or something?

JONES: Of course.

TARDIS: Just tell him I got his message and the answer is NO! Absolutely not! Make sure you write that for him: NO!

JONES: I'm writing him an e-mail right now. Font size 108, bold, a big "NO" in capital letters.

TARDIS: Good.

JONES: And the subject line "The Doctor says NO!".

TARDIS: Thank you.  
TARDIS: Honestly, I've had it with dinosaurs inside the TARDIS! No matter how big is it, you just can't keep them away from the controls. Evidently, they like _shiny_ things!

JONES: Dinosaurs?

TARDIS: Yes. Jack asked me if I could capture a pterodactyl and transport it inside the TARDIS.

JONES: What, does he want to get rid of Myfanwy???

TARDIS: Get rid of her?! No, no, apparently, he wants to get her a mate!

JONES: OH!

TARDIS: Can you imagine that, a Time Lord playing cupid to two dinosaurs? That would be the joke of the century. I'd never hear the end of it.

JONES: You have to understand, though, Myfanwy does get a bit… weird during mating season. Especially around Jack. You know, 51st century pheromones and all that…

TARDIS: Getting her a mate wouldn't change that! In fact, he'd make it worse. After all, his pheromones aren't gender-specific.

JONES: OH. Probably not a good idea, then.

TARDIS: Probably not.

JONES: I'll make sure I tell him that.

TARDIS: Good. Very good.  
TARDIS: Hmm... Ianto Jones… Interesting… Are you somehow related to a Martha Jones?

JONES: No, I'm afraid not.

TARDIS: What about Harriet Jones?

JONES: Nope. Different set of Joneses. Although we probably share a common ancestor way back.

TARDIS: Do you want me to check that for you?

JONES: Nah, it's ok, I'm not that curious about my lineage.

JONES: Unless it's an Idiana Jones!

TARDIS: Haha!

JONES: In which case I still wouldn't like you to check it, otherwise you could prove me wrong.

TARDIS: Fair enough.

JONES: Well, sir, it's been an honor and a privilege talking to you, but I should get back to work. Those Rift activities won't monitor themselves, you know.

TARDIS: Very well.

JONES: It's been a pleasure meeting you, Doctor.

TARDIS: No, Ianto Jones, the pleasure was all mine.

.

_JONES is now offline._

_TARDIS is now offline._

_._

_

* * *

I wrote this some time after watching "Children of Earth"_, with the sole purpose of writing a bit of Ianto, so that's probably why this chapter is a bit shorter.

Please review! :)


	3. The Doctor and Jack 2

**A/N: **The idea for this chapter came up right after I wrote Jack setting up an IM network for the Doctor. I just realized that 1) The Doctor probably had to have an e-mail account to log on to the IM network; 2) We all know that, once we create an e-mail account, the SPAM never stops coming; 3) Since the TARDIS doesn't have a SPAM filter of _any kind_ and the link is made through time... then... well, that could mean trouble.

* * *

.

**5:06 PM.**

_TARDIS is now online._

.

TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!  
TARDIS: JACK!!!

.

**5:10 PM.**

_'THE' JACK has joined the conversation._

.

'THE' JACK: What is it, Doc???

TARDIS: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???

'THE' JACK: I'm sorry, Doc, you're gonna have to be more especific.

TARDIS: The TARDIS harddrive is almost completely full! She can barely stand still and if I touch any of the controls, there's a 60% chance that she will blow up and create a hole in time and space the size of the Great Wall of China!

'THE' JACK: What, and you think it's something I did!?!?

TARDIS: Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Jack Harkness!

'THE' JACK: I'm not pretending!

TARDIS: Oh really? I've checked, and turns out my inbox - which I didn't have until you decided to set up this "Torchwis"... "Tardwood" network - has way over one hundred _trillion_ e-mails, with a million more being added each minute! And do you have any idea what they're all about?

'THE' JACK: No!

TARDIS: People offering me ways of enlarging male organs! And young ladies looking for companionship, which got me fooled the first couple of times, until I realized what they meant by "_companion_"!

'THE' JACK: LMAO!!!!

TARDIS: "Lmao"?! What is that? What does that mean? Some kind of code?

'THE' JACK: Sory, Doc, youll have to xcuse me, Im laughing too hard!/

TARDIS: I KNEW IT! This has "Jack Harkness" written all over it!

'THE' JACK: Strangely enough, I actually have nothing to do with it.

TARDIS: JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

'THE' JACK: Alright, alright, hang on a minute.

.

_'THE' JACK is now offline._

_'THE' JACK is now online._

_'THE' JACK has joined the conversation._

.

'THE' JACK: There. It's all done.

TARDIS: Are you sure? My inbox still reads "_over __1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 unread messages_".

'THE' JACK: But there are no _new_ messages coming in, are there?

TARDIS: No, apparently not.

'THE' JACK: Good. Now all you have to do is delete all the other ones.

TARDIS: It sounds so easy, doesn't it?

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

TARDIS: There, they're all being deleted.  
TARDIS: Well, "_Estimated time left: 6 days_" but still, it could be worse. I've got the whole system working on it, so the TARDIS is completely stuck in the meantime.  
TARDIS: I'm guessing I should be able to travel through space again by tomorrow, though. One small trip, at least. I'm not so sure about time, that should probably take a while longer.

'THE' JACK: Still, the TARDIS is safe now and that's all that matters.

TARDIS: Not so fast! First, you have to tell me what just happened!

'THE' JACK: Spam.

TARDIS: Spam?!

'THE' JACK: Yeah, spam. You know, junk mail. When we set up the network, we forgot to add a filter to keep all the spam from leaking in and being sent along with our signal. Since we're connected to every satellite on Earth, we just ended up getting all spam messages on the planet redirected to the TARDIS.  
'THE' JACK: Just a tiny flaw.

TARDIS: A TINY FLAW?!

'THE' JACK: Still, that was not the only problem.  
'THE' JACK: The link we set up connects us through time as well, right? So not only you became the receiving end of all junk mail on the planet, but also all the junk mail that was sent in the past and will be sent in the future.  
'THE' JACK: That's what Ianto told me anyway... couldn't get half of what he said.

TARDIS: And you call that A TINY FLAW?!?!?!

'THE' JACK: Well, we took care of that in no more than two minutes, didn't we? Well, of course when I say "we" I mean Gwen. She just set up a filter on the signal.

TARDIS: Clearly, your team is way more efficient than you are.

'THE' JACK: But I'm the boss! =D

TARDIS: Just be more careful next time, Jack! This is exactly why I didn't want you to have any access to any part of the TARDIS systems. The scale of this is just beyond your comprehension.

'THE' JACK: Alright, I'm sorry. I'll have Ianto check up the network, byte by byte, just to make sure everything's running smoothly now.

TARDIS: Thank you.

'THE' JACK: You're welcome. =)

TARDIS: Wow. A full day without space or time travel.  
TARDIS: ...  
TARDIS: I'm gonna be bored out of my mind, won't I?

'THE' JACK: HA! You SO will!  
'THE' JACK: Hey, you know what? Here's an idea: you could stop by! You said you could travel through space tomorrow anyway. You could use the power from the Rift to get the TARDIS systems working faster.

TARDIS: That is not a bad idea. It would probably get the estimated time down to a day or two.

'THE' JACK: =D

TARDIS: =)

'THE' JACK: You could stay with us!

TARDIS: No, I'm fine staying in my TARDIS, thank you.

'THE' JACK: Fine, but you _will_ stop by for a visit! If you don't, I'll set Myfanwy on you the next time you stop for a refuel!

TARDIS: Ok, ok, I'll visit you.

'THE' JACK: YAAAAY!!!! *bounces* =D

TARDIS: Honestly, Jack, how old are you?

'THE' JACK: DUH! =P

TARDIS: Speaking of Myfanwy, you did get my message, right?

'THE' JACK: Oh yes, Ianto made sure of it. He sent me 3 e-mails, 2 voice messages, 5 text messages, left post-its at every corner in my office and yelled it at me at dinner.

TARDIS: Good man.

'THE' JACK: But you gotta help me here, Doc! You don't know how it's like trying to avoid a horny pterodactyl.

TARDIS: Ha! You'd be surprised.

'THE' JACK: HELP ME!

TARDIS: You're a smart man, Jack, you can figure this one out on your own.

'THE' JACK: No, I can't! And it's driving me insane! It's gotten to a point where I'm not able to go to work for like three days, or risk getting killed the moment I step through the door.

TARDIS: Love hurts.

'THE' JACK: This isn't funny, Doc!!!

TARDIS: Um, no, actually this is very funny. =)

'THE' JACK: Fine. Enjoy your boring day in solitude, then! I'm outta here.

.

_'THE' JACK has left the conversation._

.

TARDIS: What??? Come on, Jack! I was just having a bit of fun on your expense, that's all!  
TARDIS: Oh, please! You do that to me every single day.

TARDIS: Jack!

TARDIS: It was just a joke, Jack! Of course I know it's not funny! Getting killed is not funny.

TARDIS: Geez, since when are you so sensitive? It was a JOKE!

TARDIS: JACK!!!

TARDIS: For the love of time and space, Jack, don't you think you're overreacting! It. Was. A. Joke!

TARDIS: Come on, Jack, I know you're still out there.

TARDIS: You're giving me the silent treatment now, is that it?  
TARDIS: Oh, I see… You're just waiting for me to crack, are you?

TARDIS: Fine. Two can play that game. I got a whole day ahead of me. I'm just gonna stay here and have fun on my own while you will go crazy begging me for attention!

TARDIS: Don't think I won't do it!

TARDIS: Can you imagine that? One day?

TARDIS: One fuuuull daaaaay.

TARDIS: Oh yeah.

TARDIS: Just me and my TARDIS.

TARDIS: All by myself.

TARDIS: Jack?

TARDIS: ALRIGHT, FINE, I'M SORRY! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! PLEASE COME BACK!

.

_'THE' JACK has joined the conversation._

.

'THE' JACK: Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

TARDIS: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???

'THE' JACK: Geez, Doc! Relax!

TARDIS: Relax? RELAX? You left me here, on my own, for hours!!!

'THE' JACK: Hours?! Try 20 minutes.

TARDIS: Yeah, right…

'THE' JACK: You think I'm kidding? Check your IMS clock.

TARDIS: Oh… Right.

'THE' JACK: Aw, you're so adorable! All that time and space and you can't be left alone for 20 minutes.

TARDIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a clingy, needy Time Lord in desperate need for attention. Happy now? You've proved your point.

'THE' JACK: *HUG*  
'THE' JACK: SO… Will you help me???

TARDIS: Fine, fine, I'll help you. But I'll have to meet your pterodactyl first.

'THE' JACK: What do you plan on doing?

TARDIS: I haven't got a clue. But I suppose I'll have a better chance of figuring something out once I see what we're dealing with?

'THE' JACK: Right. Smart move.

TARDIS: Don't you think it would be easier if I just got rid of her, though?

'THE' JACK: What about the "no dinosaurs in the TARDIS" rule?

TARDIS: Weeell… if you promise you'll sedate her and that you'll never, ever ask me to help you with anything dinosaur-related ever again, then I could think of breaking that rule for once.

'THE' JACK: AW! Would you really consider breaking one of your rules for me?

TARDIS: If it will help me stay away from you and keep my sanity intact, then yes.

'THE' JACK: I love you too, Doc.  
'THE' JACK: But no, thanks. Myfanwy's kind of part of the family now. Plus, I really do love the look on visitors' faces when they see a pterodactyl flying around, it's priceless!

TARDIS: I can imagine!

'THE' JACK: And it's gotten easier to keep her now that she's learned to keep the ptero_dung_ to the water tower.

TARDIS: Lovely.

'THE' JACK: Just wait until you see her Doc, you'll love her!

TARDIS: Are you sure you're having a "problem" with her? Because it seems to me you two are getting along quite well together.

'THE' JACK: Oh, believe me, if I were a male pterodactyl, I'd be all over her, but I'm not! And her teeth and claws can do a number on me.

TARDIS: Fair enough.

'THE' JACK: Oh! Hold on a sec, Doc, I gotta go.

TARDIS: Wait! What? Why? Where are you going?

'THE' JACK: Something just came up.

TARDIS: What something? What just came up?

'THE' JACK: I'm not sure, I got Gwen checking the Rift readings.

TARDIS: What is it? What's happening? TELL ME, JACK!

.

_COOPER is now online._

_COOPER has joined the conversation._

.

COOPER: Jack, we need you down here now!

'THE' JACK: I'm on my way, Gwen. Just one second.

.

_COOPER is now offline._

.

TARDIS: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

'THE' JACK: Don't worry, Doc. We're on it! No need to worry.

TARDIS: Are you sure? I can help!

'THE' JACK: We're fine on our own, we can handle this.

TARDIS: What if you can't?

'THE' JACK: Well, it's not like you're going anywhere, is it?

TARDIS: OUCH!

'THE' JACK: Sorry.  
'THE' JACK: Gotta go, Doc!

TARDIS: Ok, then. But keep me posted, ok? I might be stuck here but I'm still not entirely useless.

'THE' JACK: Gotcha.

.

'_THE' JACK is now offline._

_TARDIS is now offline._

.

* * *

Well, this chapter was a lot longer than the others... But I enjoyed it!

Especially since the next one deals with the age-old question: "What happens when the Doctor is left stranded, on his own, inside the TARDIS?" =P

As usual, please review! It's the only way I have of knowing if I'm doing something wrong... or right.


	4. The Doctor and Jack 3

**A/N:** I think I had more fun writing this chapter than any of the others, before or after (at least so far). It's DEFINITELY the silliest thing I've ever written.

But I just loved the idea of a drunk Doctor just going crazy and Jack having to be the voice of reason for a change, so I had to do it! Also, I've often wondered what would happen if someone had to stand and listen to that buzzing of the sonic screwdriver for too long. It doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do.

One thing that felt really good with this chapter was that I didn't have to go crazy double-checking my grammar on the Doctor's side of the conversation, after all he _was_ drunk! =P

* * *

.

**11:27 PM.**

_ 'THE' JACK is now online._

.

'THE' JACK: Doc!

'THE' JACK: HEY! Doc?

.

**11:28 PM.**

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

TARDIS: jaaaack!! oh, helloooo thre!

'THE' JACK: You ok, Doc?

TARDIS: Im super! =D

'THE' JACK: Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner. We had... an incident. Nothing too big, don't worry, just make sure you don't use the subway any time soon, ok?  
'THE' JACK: But anyway, I got worried about you. I thought you'd gone mad without someone to talk to or something to do for 5 hours.

TARDIS: pfffffff Im fiiiiine! sriusly, Im just...great. really, really gret.

'THE' JACK: You sure?

TARDIS: Oh yea! supr duper!

'THE' JACK: Super _duper_?

TARDIS: Yup. Super duper.  
TARDIS: althogh... it dosnt really mke any sense sayin that, does it? "super duper"? wats a "duper"? and what exacly did it do to get beter than the other duprs and be called a SUPER duper?

'THE' JACK: I... don't know?

TARDIS: Of corse you dont, sily! Im the clever one, remeber? time lord! lord of tme!  
TARDIS: Wait, lord of tiem?? Naaaaaah time lord sounds better.

'THE' JACK: Are you... drunk? Or high? Or something?

TARDIS: Oi! you kno Rule #3: no brugs or booze in the TARDIS!  
TARDIS: I mean bugs.  
TARDIS: rugs.  
TARDIS: DRUGS!

'THE' JACK: Yeah, yeah, I know that rule…

TARDIS: sooooo OF CURSE Im not high, yu dummy! or drunk!  
TARDIS: I coulnt be. i woulnt be. why would I? I dun know! Why did you ask then? are you drunk, Jack?

'THE' JACK: Me?! No!

TARDIS: ok, good! i was right!

'THE' JACK: About what?

TARDIS: about what wht?

'THE' JACK: What the hell are you talking about????

TARDIS: me?! You startd it!

'THE' JACK: Ok. Doc?

TARDIS: thats mah name! =D

'THE' JACK: What happened to you?

TARDIS: to me?! Nothin!

'THE' JACK: No, no, no, no, no! SOMETHING happened to you! You're not yourself!

TARDIS: waaaaaaaa?????  
TARDIS: now dont be ridculus! Ive only ever been myslf! I mean, I miht change, from time to tme, but we are al difernt "my"s from the same "self".  
TARDIS: we're all mself!  
TARDIS: Or sould I say "ourself"?

'THE' JACK: Ok, STOP IT!  
'THE' JACK: Just tell me everything that you've done from the moment I went offline.

TARDIS: I TOLD you! Nthing hapened!

'THE' JACK: Exactly what "nthing" happened?

TARDIS: Oh, you kno, you left, I looked around, nothin to do... so I decidd to run a smal experment on my sonic srcewdriver.

'THE' JACK: Experiment?

TARDIS: Yeeeeees! vry importnt! and exciting!  
TARDIS: did you kno that if yu look at the blu sonic light for a while, you can see THE STARS!!!!1!  
TARDIS: Hnestly, Jack, at first I was like "naaaaaaaaa, thatd be stupid, and that light hrts m eyes!", but THEN, after the pain and te blindnes, you SEE tings, Jack!  
TARDIS: Lihts! colors! shapes!

'THE' JACK: ...  
'THE' JACK: Please don't tell me you've been staring into your sonic screwdriver for 5 hours.

TARDIS: 5 hours?! noooo. 5 mnutes, at best. or 20. maybe 40, but thats pushin it.

'THE' JACK: You have, haven't you?

TARDIS: nawwwwwwww. No. well. maybe. now! Has it really been 5 hours?

'THE' JACK: HAHA! You're sonic screw_drunk_!

TARDIS: Now wai a secon! Im not drunk and i havent srewed anything sonci, OK!!!!

'THE' JACK: LOL! The Destroyer of Worlds, the Oncoming Storm... But you just leave him alone for 5 hours and he'll pretty much destroy himself.

TARDIS: not FIVE hours! no! Now, ONE hour? Mabe! Maybe. But FIVE?!!1! Noooooo.

'THE' JACK: For a Time Lord, you do a really lousy job at keeping track of time.

TARDIS: Oi! Im a time LORD not a time trcker! I dont track time, I... lord it. trackng time is a job for time Trackers.  
TARDIS: Now, if your talkin bout a Time Cracker? OOOOOOOOH thats a whole diferent story. nasty litle bugers.  
TARDIS: dont let em near bright ligts! Jus dont. Its not pretty wen they BLOW! Not to mention the smel. BLERH!

'THE' JACK: Haha! I am fowarding this conversation to Martha later on! She'll love it!

TARDIS: Mrtha JONES?? nOOOO she doesnt blow up near briht lights, you DUMBOOO! She wouldnt last 20 seconds on the TARDS if she did.  
TARDIS: can you imagine tha? _"OMG! Its biggr on the ins---"_ *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*!11!!!1!1!!!!  
TARDIS: and thats why you cant bring crakers onboard the TARDIS!  
TARDIS: thats Rule #7!  
TARDIS: or was it #8?  
TARDIS: nonononononon #8 is the one about the pears! Yeeeeeah. Hate pears.  
TARDIS: DONT BLNK! YEAH! "Dont blink" was #7! Now I remmber it!  
TARDIS: No nono, hold on... No, that one was... somthin else.  
TARDIS: HAHAHAHA Im not makin any sense, am I?

'THE' JACK: I am SO getting you drunk tomorrow.

TARDIS: OI! Rule #3, Jak!

'THE' JACK: Don't worry, Doc! You won't be anywhere near the TARDIS by then, I'll make sure of it.

TARDIS: good!  
TARDIS: no! Wait! what am I sayin?  
TARDIS: bad! Vry bad!/ Im not gettin drunk with yoooo!

'THE' JACK: Oh yes, you are.

TARDIS: OH NO, im not!

'THE' JACK: You've got no say in this, Doc! I'm getting you drunk one way or another.

TARDIS: OOOOH that a thret, is it?

'THE' JACK: Nope. Just a warning. =)

TARDIS: remember, your facin The Destryoer of Stomrs! or whatevre that name was.  
TARDIS: you be carful, jack Hardness!  
TARDIS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA/1!!!!!!!  
TARDIS: I worte "Hardnes" insted of Harkness!!!!

'THE' JACK: HAHA! I'm loving this new Doc. You should do experiments more often.

TARDIS: WAAT? I cant!!!  
TARDIS: Ive got plants to save, jack!  
TARDIS: i mean PLANETS!  
TARDIS: And some plants.  
TARDIS: i like flowers. theyr pretty! =D  
TARDIS: not inside the TARDS, tho. Thats Rule #... whatev. Twetny-somethin.

'THE' JACK: LOL! This is GENIUS!

TARDIS: whats a LOL anway? you keep wrinting tings I cant unedrstand.  
TARDIS: is it a lava-oozin lizard? lime-oiled leprcon?  
TARDIS: because Ive met those! and theyr not geniuses! theyre atually quite stupid. and scary.  
TARDIS: theyr both realy good at chess, tho. go figure!

'THE' JACK: You know what? I don't think I'll even have to do anything to get you drunk, if you spend the rest of your time with your... well, experiment.

TARDIS: OOOOOOH very imporatnt xperiment! Blu light is good! Not so much the buzzin, tho. but you cant hear it after a wihle.  
TARDIS: weeeeell, yu cant hear anythn, really.  
TARDIS: ALTHOUH! i did heer one thin, but not so mch hear, as feel, this bumpin, like drums or somthin, I thouht "Noooooo drummin bad!" HA! but then I realized it was jus my too hearts.  
TARDIS: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

'THE' JACK: You know what? Come to think of it, it's possible that the sonic screwdriver did do something to your head. Holding a sonic device next to your brain for too long doesn't really sound like a healthy thing to do.

TARDIS: i told yu, dummy! Im FIEN!  
TARDIS: I mean fine.  
TARDIS: Im just a litle clumsy at the keyborad tody, thats all.

'THE' JACK: Well, you weren't like this 5 hours ago.  
'THE' JACK: Maybe you should rest.

TARDIS: rest?! Naww. theres no rest for the /doctah! Wat if somethin happnes? gotta be ready!!!

'THE' JACK: I'm pretty sure if "somethin happnes" you won't be able to do much in your condition. You should go to bed!  
'THE' JACK: You do have a bed in there somewhere, don't you?

TARDIS: ooooh i seee... you jus want me gone, dont yu?

'THE' JACK: What? No!

TARDIS: YAH, YOU DO! your havin fun wth yur Tordhwoo buddees, you dont want a grumpy ol Tiem Lord interupting you.

'THE' JACK: What?! You of all people should know I enjoy your company!

TARDIS: Yeeeeah, words, wrods, words. Thos are just words, Jac! Fat lot of good they are. they don mean anythin. In the end, I know youlleave me, JUST LIK EVERONE ELSE!!1!  
TARDIS: thats all thye ever do, is leave! and your just liek them!  
TARDIS: all tat talk bout Immortal BFFs, dont mean anythin! I know that in the end, youll leave!  
TARDIS: Look at me, im all alone and uesless!  
TARDIS: cant even turn off this darn bilnking light from the consle.  
TARDIS: tis been blinkng for haf an hour now...  
TARDIS: WHY ARE YU BLINKIN!?!?!1!!  
TARDIS: you cant bilnk! Blink an your dead! DED, I TEL YOU!  
TARDIS: no... wait, Im getting confuesd again.  
TARDIS: what was i sayin?

'THE' JACK: You were telling me you were going to bed.

TARDIS: RIGHT! yeh. i was.  
TARDIS: and dontyu try an stop me, /captian! When a mans gotta slep, a man's gotta sleeep!

'THE' JACK: Of course!

TARDIS: good.  
TARDIS: now, how do I close this thing anywya?  
TARDIS: nonononon, wait! I got it, i got it.

'THE' JACK: Good night, Doctor.

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

TARDIS: hahahahahahaha this thing does the cutest littl sound wen you log on.

'THE' JACK: Doc, you were going to bed.

TARDIS: yeah, i was. Byeeee!!!

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

_TARDIS is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

TARDIS: hahahaha CUTE!!!!

'THE' JACK: DOC, GO TO BED!!!!

TARDIS: alriiiiiight, arihiit! Geeez, sorry, mummy!

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

'_THE' JACK is now offline._

.

* * *

So what did you think? I hope my attempts at a drunk texting didn't confuse you too much. Please let me know if it did!

I actually had such a good time writing this chapter, and I loved the idea of the Doctor being bored out of his mind and staring at his sonic screwdriver for 5 hours, that I even drew a picture of him doing it. Too bad I can't add the link to it here, I'd love for you people to see it. But oh well... *shrugs*

As always, please review! Pretty please? =)


	5. The Doctor, Jack, Ianto, and Gwen

**A/N: **The aftermath of Part 4 for the Doctor. It's safe to say Jack won't forget about it any time soon. :) There's also a bit of bonding at the end... which I have to say I wasn't expecting to happen at all when I started writing it.

* * *

.

**1:14 PM.**

_TARDIS is now online._

'_THE' JACK has joined the conversation._

_._

TARDIS: Before you say anything, let me tell you this: there will be NO talking about what happened yesterday, OK?

'THE' JACK: _(message deleted)_  
'THE' JACK: OK.

TARDIS: Good. It's all in the past.

'THE' JACK: Can I at least ask you how you're feeling?

TARDIS: Like my head is about to explode.

'THE' JACK: Oh! Just another Saturday morning, then. =)  
'THE' JACK: No worries, you should be fine by tomorrow.

TARDIS: And my ear is ringing... nonstop. Tzzzzzzing. Tzzzzzzing.

'THE' JACK: Well, you did hold a functioning sonic device to your head for 5 hours. That's to be expected.

TARDIS: Yeah... Why did I do that, again?  
TARDIS: No! No! Wait! It's all in the past, let's just forget about it. Let's just move on.

'THE' JACK: Ok, then. Moving on.  
'THE' JACK: Martha called!

TARDIS: She did? Oh, that's brilliant! How is she?

'THE' JACK: She's great! And she says "hi".  
'THE' JACK: And she asked me to tell you she didn't appreciate you making fun of her behind her back.

TARDIS: What?! When did I ever do that????

'THE' JACK: You know, the whole... _"OMG! It's bigger on the insid--" *BOOOM*_ thing.

TARDIS: I never said that! When did I...

'THE' JACK: ...

TARDIS: YOU DIDN'T!!!  
TARDIS: Nonononono! Please tell me you did NOT do that!

'THE' JACK: Well, she called me earlier, asking me if I'm planning on going to her wedding, and you know... we talked, and then I mentioned our network, she asked about you and I... told her.  
'THE' JACK: You should go too, by the way. To her wedding.

TARDIS: You told Martha!?

'THE' JACK: Yeah, I did. But no one else!

TARDIS: No one?

'THE' JACK: Well, Ianto.  
'THE' JACK: And Gwen.

TARDIS: Right, so you didn't tell anyone except Martha and your whole team.

'THE' JACK: Come on, when you say it like that, you make it sound like an angry mob. My team is just two people!

TARDIS: Right.

'THE' JACK: OH! And I sent out a copy to Sarah Jane.

TARDIS: WHAT?!?!

'THE' JACK: And Mickey.  
'THE' JACK: And Wilf.  
'THE' JACK: I'd sort of kept his e-mail address with me just in case.

TARDIS: So you pretty much told EVERYONE!?

'THE' JACK: Not _everyone_! I mean... I couldn't tell Donna, of course, and even when using the Rift I could get through to Rose and Jackie, so they don't know about it.

TARDIS: Oh, perfect! So all I have to do to keep my dignity intact is switch places with the other me.

'THE' JACK: No! You wouldn't do that to him, that would be cruel. =P

TARDIS: No, you know what? Here's a better idea: why don't I send YOU to the parallel world? The other me must be missing you so much!

'THE' JACK: Well, I always did think you looked better in blue. ;)

TARDIS: Jack!

'THE' JACK: Just kiddin', Doc. You're still my #1. =)

TARDIS: That's rich, coming from the guy who's just destroyed my reputation and left me stranded in my own TARDIS for a whole day!!!

'THE' JACK: But I promise I'll get you a cookie tomorrow.

TARDIS: You can't buy me that easily, Jack, you should know that by now.

'THE' JACK: Muffin?

TARDIS: ... what kind?

'THE' JACK: DUH! Chocolate, of course!

TARDIS: ... alright.  
TARDIS: NO! WAIT! No, no! I won't sell myself for a MUFFIN!

'THE' JACK: Alright, two then!

TARDIS: Stop it! You're making me hungry and I'm still stuck here for another ten hours or something.

'THE' JACK: Don't worry, I'll have a basket full of warm muffins waiting for you when you get here.

TARDIS: ...  
TARDIS: Do not play games with me, Harkness!

'THE' JACK: I'm not playing games. They'll be there!  
'THE' JACK: Hmm... I could go for a muffin right now.

TARDIS: STOP IT!!!

'THE' JACK: I'll definitely get Ianto on that.

TARDIS: Ok, now I'm definitely hungry. Happy now?

.

_JONES is now online._

_JONES has joined the conversation._

_._

JONES: Did you call, sir?

'THE' JACK: IANTOO!!! Just the man I was looking for!

TARDIS: YOU EVIL, EVIL CREATURE!!!  
TARDIS: By the way, hello, Ianto Jones! Nice to see you again.

JONES: Hello, Doctor! =)

'THE' JACK: So um, Ianto, do you think you could stop by that coffee shop around the corner? I reeeeally want one of those warm, sweet muffins right now.

TARDIS: I hate you, Harkness! I. Hate. You.

JONES: Am I missing something here?

'THE' JACK: NAH! Just an inside joke!

TARDIS: WHAT? NO! He's asking you to do that just so he can torture me!

JONES: Noooooooo, he would never do that!

'THE' JACK: Aw, this one knows me so well. =D

JONES: That was sarcasm, Jack.

'THE' JACK: =(

TARDIS: I'm trapped inside my TARDIS and he's playing on my natural craving for sweet, chocolatey things.

JONES: Jaaaack?

'THE' JACK: What? I did promise him I'd get him a full basket once he gets here.

TARDIS: Which won't happen in less than ten hours!!!!!

'THE' JACK: Well, you'll just have to wait a bit, but you'll still get it!

TARDIS: And you'll just torture me in the meantime?!?!

'THE' JACK: Oh, come on! It's not torture! I'm hungry too, you know.

TARDIS: Eat something else, then!

'THE' JACK: But I want a muffin!

JONES: *grabs popcorn and watches*

TARDIS: You can't have one!

'THE' JACK: HA! And who's supposed to stop me? You?

TARDIS: Yes, me!

'THE' JACK: Ha! You can't even get out of your own TARDIS!

TARDIS: And that was YOUR fault!

'THE' JACK: So what? Does that deny me rights to my muffin?

TARDIS: That denies you right to any and all muffins. Actually, that should deny you rights to _existence_. ACTUALLY, you shouldn't exist at all!

'THE' JACK: Nah, nah, nah, you've played that card before. I'm still getting my muffin.

.

_COOPER is now online._

_COOPER has joined the conversation._

_._

TARDIS: No, you're not.

'THE' JACK: Am too!

TARDIS: ARE NOT!

'THE' JACK: AM TOO!!!

TARDIS: ARE NOOOOOT!!!!

'THE' JACK: AM TOO x infinity!!!!!!

TARDIS: ARE NOT x infinity through the time vortex, back and forth infinite times!!!!

'THE' JACK: THAT'S NOT FAIR, YOU'VE GOT A TIME MACHINE!!!

TARDIS: MWAHAHAHA! *GLEE*

COOPER: You're right, Ianto, this is a lot more fun than filing reports.

JONES: Told you. =)

'THE' JACK: IANTO, I WANT A MUFFIN!!!

JONES: Damn, now he remembered I'm here.

'THE' JACK: NOW!!!!!

JONES: Sorry, sir. Can't do it.

'THE' JACK: What?! Why the hell not?!?!

JONES: He's right, you can't have one if he doesn't. It's not fair.

'THE' JACK: Well, I'm your BOSS! I'm ordering you go get me a muffin!

JONES: Nope. Got work to do.

TARDIS: *giggles*

'THE' JACK: GWEN!!!

COOPER: Hahaha! What? You didn't convince Ianto and you think you'll convince me? HA!

'THE' JACK: Well, I suppose I could just... GO there and get it myself.

JONES: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

COOPER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

'THE' JACK: What was that?

COOPER: You? Getting your own food? That's rich!

'THE' JACK: HEY!!!!!

TARDIS: I really like your team, Jack. Did I ever tell you that?

'THE' JACK: SHUT IT, DOC!  
'THE' JACK: Now, I'm leaving and getting my muffin.

JONES: No, you're not. It's not fair.

'THE' JACK: Ha! You can't stop me, Ianto. You of all people should know I have a way of getting what I want.

JONES: Not when you're locked up in your office, you don't!

'THE' JACK: What?!?!  
'THE' JACK: How... When...  
'THE' JACK: WHAT?!?!

JONES: Ready Gwen?

COOPER: Yup!

JONES: Sorry, Jack. We're going home early today.  
JONES: Well, you're always the one complaining I work too much, so you'll probably understand. =)

'THE' JACK: YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!!!

.

_JONES is now offline._

_COOPER is now offline._

.

TARDIS: I believe the word is "BOO-YAH"!!! =D

'THE' JACK: Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

TARDIS: Yup. Very much. =D

'THE' JACK: I can't believe they did that. I can't believe _he_ did that! How could he? And he just left me here!

TARDIS: Well, just to be completely honest here, it wasn't his idea.

'THE' JACK: Of course not. It's yours, wasn't it?

TARDIS: Oh, yes!

'THE' JACK: But how?

TARDIS: I sent them an e-mail. Since you gave me one, I thought I'd use it to my advantage.

'THE' JACK: But how did you convince them to do it? I'm their boss, they'd never agree to something like this.

TARDIS: Do you honestly believe that?

'THE' JACK: Well... ok, no.

TARDIS: Besides, I'm a Time Lord, remember? There's nothing I can't do.

'THE' JACK: Oh, please, you can't even get ginger when you want to.

TARDIS: Oi!!! I'm getting there! I've gone from gray to black to blonde and now brown... ginger is the next step!

'THE' JACK: Either that or it will just go blue all of a sudden.

TARDIS: You did say I looked good in blue.

'THE' JACK: Blue suit, not blue _hair_!!!

TARDIS: What about green hair?

'THE' JACK: Doc, you're a Time Lord, not a teenage anime character, you can't go about the Universe with your hair in bright colours!

TARDIS: So you're saying that if I eventually regenerate and my hair turns green, you'll be too embarrassed to bother me? 'Cause I'll take that offer!

'THE' JACK: AW! No, Doc, I would still bother you, so much that I'd make you regret every second of that regeneration.

TARDIS: OK. No green hair, then.

'THE' JACK: Good!  
'THE' JACK: So what did you tell them, then? Did you happen to give them instructions on when they're supposed to unlock that door? How long do I have to stay here?

TARDIS: Oh, not long at all. You'll get out of your office once I get out of my TARDIS.

'THE' JACK: Right. Fair enough.  
'THE' JACK: And what about our agreement? How I am supposed to get your muffins if I can't leave this room, eh genius?

TARDIS: Ianto Jones said he'll take care of that.

'THE' JACK: Of course he did. Did he say anything about getting me some?

TARDIS: That wasn't part of our agreement.

'THE' JACK: Well, I don't remember me being locked up as part of any agreements either!

TARDIS: You brought this upon yourself!

'THE' JACK: Yeah, sure. Blame the victim, that sounds fair.

TARDIS: You?! A victim?! Riiiight.

'THE' JACK: I am a victim! This is mutiny! I could have you all locked up for this!

TARDIS: Aw! But you'd get so lonely without us.

'THE' JACK: Not if I locked myself up with you all. ;)

TARDIS: STOP IT!

'THE' JACK: You started it!

TARDIS: I suppose I did. But just... stop it. Don't go there.

'THE' JACK: Ok, so I can't have my fantasies, I can't get out, I can't have my muffin, what am I supposed to do until you get here, then? I don't have a sonic screwdriver to get drunk on.

TARDIS: I wasn't drunk!

'THE' JACK: Do you remember anything you told me yesterday?

TARDIS: Well... No, nothing especific...

'THE' JACK: Drunk!

TARDIS: I was NOT!!! It's the sonic buzzing and the lights, it must have momentarily affected my synapses and physiological state, while interrupting my short term memory.

'THE' JACK: DRUNK!!!

TARDIS: Not drunk, just... altered.

'THE' JACK: Right, you can keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel any better, but if you keep getting "altered" with your "experiments", there will be an intervention.

TARDIS: Don't worry, I won't do any more experiments. I can hardly think straight after this one.

'THE' JACK: DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!

TARDIS: STOP IT, YOU!!!

'THE' JACK: You know there's only one way of settling this.

TARDIS: I'm afraid to ask.

'THE' JACK: We get you drunk for real, and we'll know! If you're any different than you were yesterday, then we'll know for sure.

TARDIS: I am NOT getting drunk just to prove that I wasn't drunk! That doesn't make any sense!

'THE' JACK: OK, then I'll just have to assume you were.

TARDIS: You can assume all you want, I don't care.

'THE' JACK: I know you don't, but just so you know, Gwen, Ianto, Martha, Sarah Jane and Mickey agree with me.  
'THE' JACK: I dunno about Wilf, I'm not sure he's checked his e-mail yet.  
'THE' JACK: To be honest, I'm starting to wonder if he even knows how to...

TARDIS: You do realize I'll never be able to look at any of those people in the eye again, don't you?

'THE' JACK: Oh, don't be such a drama queen! It's not like I've ruined your relationship with any of them. If anything, they'll be eager to see you again!

TARDIS: Of course, just so they can see the look in my face as they laugh at me.

'THE' JACK: And you could always laugh along with them! A bit of self-deprecation never hurt anybody. In fact, you'd be doing your ego a lot of good if you didn't think of yourself as a lonely, vengeful god every other minute.

TARDIS: _You_'re lecturing _me_ about ego??? This is it, I'm done. This is the end of my career.

'THE' JACK: OK, so I may have a huge ego, but I can still appreciate a nice time with my friends without having to pretend a whole galaxy is going to implode if I do!

TARDIS: I _can_ appreciate a nice time with my friends! I'm just saying I don't want to get drunk with you.

'THE' JACK: So you're saying that if it was just you and – I don't know – Donna, you would?

TARDIS: I'm saying that if it's _you_, I definitely won't.

'THE' JACK: Why me?! Look, if you think I might try to take advantage of you, then you don't have to worry about it. Ever!

TARDIS: I know! I know you have a libido the size of this solar system, but even you are not that low.

'THE' JACK: OK, good... I think...  
'THE' JACK: So what's the problem?

TARDIS: What problem? I hardly consider not wanting any alcohol intoxication in my near future a problem! In fact, I'm trying to avoid a problem. How's that for an answer?

'THE' JACK: Come on! I'm not talking about intoxication and you know it.

TARDIS: Look, why are we even discussing this? One minute we're arguing over muffins, next thing you're trying to get me drunk!?

'THE' JACK: Yeah! Look at us, behaving like _friends_! OH NO! We should be ashamed of ourselves!

TARDIS: =P  
TARDIS: I think I should be going, though, Jack. I wasn't kidding when I said my head was about to explode. And spending all this time in front of this monitor hasn't exactly helped my condition.

'THE' JACK: OK. You go and rest, then. But I think I should tell you one thing first.

TARDIS: What is it?

'THE' JACK: Just so you know, I didn't show them everything of our last conversation.

TARDIS: What do you mean?

'THE' JACK: I sort of... edited it a little bit, left a few bits out...

TARDIS: Like what?

'THE' JACK: Like when you told me how lonely and useless you feel now that everyone's left you.

TARDIS: Oh. I said that?

'THE' JACK: I thought you probably didn't want them to know that. Hell, I doubt you ever wanted _me_ to know that!

TARDIS: So you edited it out?

'THE' JACK: I did.

TARDIS: Oh.  
TARDIS: Thanks.

'THE' JACK: =)

TARDIS: Hey, Jack?

'THE' JACK: Yes?

TARDIS: Do you still have a copy of that conversation? The whole thing, not just the amusing bits?

'THE' JACK: I do, yes.

TARDIS: Do you think you could send it to me?

'THE' JACK: Are you sure? You said you wanted to forget about it.

TARDIS: I just want to make sure I didn't... give away any spoilers. I have to know if I did. As a time traveler, I have to know.

'THE' JACK: You didn't, don't worry.

TARDIS: Still, I have to know.

'THE' JACK: OK. Done.

TARDIS: Thank you.  
TARDIS: See you later, Jack.

'THE' JACK: Bye, Doc.

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

'_THE' JACK is now offline._

.

_

* * *

_

Of course the Doctor would find a way of getting back at Jack! ;) And of course Jack would send out a copy of their last conversation to everyone they know!

The next chapter will be up in a bit. Expect less silly and more bonding. I don't really know why, I just think I was in a mood for it.

Please, please, please review!!! :)


	6. The Doctor and Jack 4

**A/N: **I think I wrote this chapter late at night... which might explain the less funny, more serious tone of this bit. I really wanted to write a piece where the Doc and Jack just _talked_.

But don't worry, the fun will be back with the next part. ;)

* * *

.

**2:57 AM.**

'_THE' JACK is now online._

_TARDIS has joined the conversation._

.

'THE' JACK: Can't sleep?

TARDIS: No. You?

'THE' JACK: I think I will if I try to.

TARDIS: Why haven't you?

'THE' JACK: I don't want to.

TARDIS: You should. We have a long day ahead of us.

'THE' JACK: Why, you have something planned?

TARDIS: No, but if past experiences have taught us anything, is that whenever you and I meet, something terrible is bound to happen.

'THE' JACK: Wow, Doc, you're so happy to see me, I can even feel your excitement from down here. =/

TARDIS: Actually, I _am_ excited. You know how much I hate to get bored, and you're the extreme opposite of that.

'THE' JACK: Was that a compliment?

TARDIS: Just a fact.

'THE' JACK: Alright. Well, since we're stating the facts and we're both obviously too tired to get snarky or sarcastic and start arguing over muffins, I'll just say it: for once, I do hope nothing exciting happens once you get here.

TARDIS: Why not? I thought you liked all that adrenaline.

'THE' JACK: I do! Don't get me wrong, I do. But for once, I was looking forward to just spending time with you.

TARDIS: Oh?

'THE' JACK: I'd introduce you to the team, to the Hub, Myfanwy, Janet, then we'd all go out for a drink – we and the team, I mean, not Myfanwy and Janet – and talk about nothing in particular... You know, quality time.  
'THE' JACK: You can call me a sap if you like.

TARDIS: You're not a sap. And I do appreciate that. I hope, for once, you're right and I'm wrong.

'THE' JACK: When are you coming here, by the way? Shouldn't you be here already?

TARDIS: The process is going a little slower than expected, but if I'm right, it should be done in a couple of hours.

'THE' JACK: So you'll arrive here around 4 am? That's too early for muffins.

TARDIS: I'll settle for morning muffins. ;)

'THE' JACK: You'll have to talk to Ianto about that.

TARDIS: I already have.

'THE' JACK: You have?!

TARDIS: Yup. He said he'd get them on his way to work.

'THE' JACK: Exactly how often are you two talking to each other?

TARDIS: Getting jealous, are you?

'THE' JACK: Well... YES!

TARDIS: hehehe You shouldn't. He's not my type. And I'm pretty sure I'm not his type either.

'THE' JACK: You'd be surprised.

TARDIS: Seriously?

'THE' JACK: You like suits. Ianto likes suits.

TARDIS: How come you never wear a suit, then?

'THE' JACK: I like to play hard to get. =D

TARDIS: HA! Does anyone ever fall for that?

'THE' JACK: Again, you'd be surprised. *wink wink*

TARDIS: Well, like I said, he's not my type. Besides, all we ever do is talk about you anyway, so I'm pretty sure that suit or no suit, he wouldn't have eyes for me.

'THE' JACK: Good! Very good. =)

TARDIS: What about Gwen, though? Do you think I'd have a shot with her?

'THE' JACK: ... Are you _honestly_ asking that?

TARDIS: Of course not, I'm just teasing you! She's part of your team!

'THE' JACK: Well, she's married. And she's got her eyes set on another immortal already.

TARDIS: Seriously? Gwen too?

'THE' JACK: What can I say, Doc? It's my charm.

TARDIS: What does her husband have to say about this?

'THE' JACK: I... don't think he likes me very much.

TARDIS: So your "charm" doesn't work on everybody, does it?

'THE' JACK: Nah, Rhys is too much of a nice guy to fall for that. Unfortunately.  
'THE' JACK: Believe me, I've tried! I'm pretty sure things would be easier if he did.

TARDIS: Easier for you.

'THE' JACK: Of course.  
'THE' JACK: Though it's not like either of them has anything to worry about anyway! I'm already with someone.

TARDIS: And when did that ever stop you???

'THE' JACK: It does now.

TARDIS: OH?

'THE' JACK: Yup.

TARDIS: Wow. You've changed.

'THE' JACK: Ha! You've no idea. I suppose that's what happens when you've got companions?

TARDIS: Very true.

'THE' JACK: So I'm immortal, I've got companions... Now all I need is to get my own TARDIS and I might as well call myself a honorary Time Lord, eh?

TARDIS: Not so fast! You still have a long way to go before that.

'THE' JACK: Just teasing you, Doc. I'm no more a Time Lord than you are a human.

TARDIS: What, and you're still calling yourself human?

'THE' JACK: Full body scans never lie. ;)

TARDIS: Alright then, I'm off now. If I want to get there in the next couple of hours, I better let the systems work on their own. I'm fairly certain one of the reasons this is taking longer is because of this IMS thing.

'THE' JACK: Oh, you're probably right. But it's worth it, isn't it? =)

TARDIS: I never said it wasn't! ;)

'THE' JACK: Wow, would you look at that! We're bonding now! We should talk at this hour more often.

TARDIS: I surely hope we don't. I do need the rest.

'THE' JACK: Well, you could always go back in time a few hours and _get_ your rest.

TARDIS: It doesn't work like that.

'THE' JACK: I know, I know. But it's not a bad idea!

TARDIS: You've had worse.

'THE' JACK: Hey!!!

TARDIS: =P  
TARDIS: Night, Captain.

'THE' JACK: Night, Doctor.

TARDIS: See you in a couple of hours.

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

'_THE' JACK is now offline._

.

* * *

aaand that's it for "the serious", now we'll be back to "the funny", I promise!


	7. The Doctor and Jack 5

**A/N: **I wrote this chapter a couple of months after I'd finished part 6. The main reason was I just didn't know how to continue! I really wanted to write the bit where the Doc arrives and meets Jack, but I couldn't do it IM-style and I didn't want to write an _actual fic_ about it (in part because this is an IM fic, but mainly because I was just lazy), so I really didn't know what to do.

Eventually, I settled for having the Doc and Jack talking about what happened _after_ the Doc had already left, which... felt right within this story.

Also, I wanted to link this back to the canon. I'd already mentioned "The Other Doctor" in part 1, the next special was, of course, "Planet of the Dead", so this was my lame attempt to tie my fic and the canon together as well.

* * *

.

**06:30 ****PM.**

_TARDIS is now online._

_._

**07:30**** PM.**'THE' JACK is now online.

'_THE' JACK__ has joined the conversation._

.

'THE' JACK: That wasn't very nice of you, Doc, to leave without saying goodbye.

TARDIS: I'm really, really sorry, Jack, but I was in a hurry.

'THE' JACK: Yeah. You're always in a hurry.

TARDIS: I said I was sorry!

'THE' JACK: And you're _always_ sorry! That doesn't change that fact that you owe me one day about the town with me. You said the TARDIS wouldn't be able to travel through time in the next 48 hours!

TARDIS: Thing is I'm not traveling through time.

'THE' JACK: You're traveling through space?

TARDIS: Yup.

'THE' JACK: So where you're going? Skaro? The Medusa Cascade? That place near the Orion Peninsula where they sell space accelerators for half the price?

TARDIS: Nah, went there last week. They were having a sale!  
TARDIS: Not that I had any money anyway, but they were even more willing to bargain then than they usually are.

'THE' JACK: Wait, a _sale_?! That only happens every hundred years! Why didn't you tell me, you greedy bastard? I've been saving money!

TARDIS: And what exactly do you want to buy? Are you thinking of installing turbo thrusters on Myfanwy?

'THE' JACK: OH, that would be so cool!!!!

TARDIS: Don't even think about it, Jack! Pterodactyls weren't designed for hyper speed!

'THE' JACK: Do I have to put on a "JOKE" sign everytime I say something funny?

TARDIS: With your sense of humor? That wouldn't be such a bad idea!

'THE' JACK: Ha. Ha. Ha.

TARDIS: =P

'THE' JACK: So where you're going, then?

TARDIS: London.

'THE' JACK: _London?!_ Why the hell didn't you say so? We could have gone together!

TARDIS: Like I said, I was in a hurry.

'THE' JACK: What, and you couldn't wait another ten minutes?

TARDIS: Ten minutes? Try an hour! You were heading for the shower by the time I left.

'THE' JACK: Oh. Right. Yeah...

TARDIS: And when I heard Ianto say he was going to bring you a towel, I thought it was best if I wasn't around at all!

'THE' JACK: Yeah... That was smart of you to do that.

TARDIS: I thought so.

'THE' JACK: So how come you're talking to me right now, then? Aren't you supposed to be there in, like the blink of an eye?

TARDIS: Well, I could do that, but the TARDIS is still recovering, I just thought I'd go about the same speed as an ordinary airplane this time. You know, for a change, take my time, look at the scenery...

'THE' JACK: Wait, you mean there's a blue box flying above the streets of Cardiff right now?

TARDIS: Well, more like Slough at the moment.

'THE' JACK: Aren't you ever afraid that someone might see you?

TARDIS: Someone always sees me! But come on! A flying blue box? They must be _insane_!

'THE' JACK: You really love messing with people's minds, don't you?

TARDIS: It comes with the job.

'THE' JACK: Right. Did you at least get that Easter egg Ianto bought you?

TARDIS: I did, yes. Remember to thank him for me.

'THE' JACK: OOOOH, I will. =D

TARDIS: Ok... I probably shouldn't have said that.

'THE' JACK: Too late. =D

TARDIS: Right.  
TARDIS: But you could have warned me I'd be arriving during Easter! I could have bought you guys something!

'THE' JACK: NAAH, we wanted it to be a surprise!

TARDIS: Well, I have to say I _was_ surprised. I could have gone without the bunny suit, though, you went a bit too far with that one.

'THE' JACK: What? I looked cute! It even had a fluffy little tail!

TARDIS: It would look cute on a ten-year old kid, Jack, not a two hundred year-old former time agent!

'THE' JACK: Well, you always say I've got the mind of a ten year-old.

TARDIS: Yes, but you're not supposed to take it so literally!

'THE' JACK: Whatever, Doc. I liked the outfit!  
'THE' JACK: Did you enjoy the egg hunt?

TARDIS: Well, it takes all the fun out of it when you put trackers on the eggs, doesn't it? Where's the excitement in that?

'THE' JACK: Well, Tosh used to do it all the time, we thought we should... honor her tradition.

TARDIS: I see.  
TARDIS: I have to admit, though, it was a lot of fun watching you get the egg that was inside Myfanwy's nest.

'THE' JACK: Yes, I bet you enjoyed that, didn't you?

TARDIS: Very much. =D  
TARDIS: But then again, I was the one who put it there.

'THE' JACK: Yeah, I thought it was you. Gwen would never go near her and Ianto knows better.  
'THE' JACK: In hindsight, I probably should have lost the bunny suit before going in there…

TARDIS: Probably. But we'd have lost half the fun if you had.  
TARDIS: I've got it on video, by the way!

'THE' JACK: Do I look good in it?

TARDIS: It's hard to see your face in it, to be honest, and Gwen was laughing so hard she couldn't really keep it still, so… no.

'THE' JACK: That's not so bad! At least other people won't be able to tell it's me.

TARDIS: No, they will. Your screams were loud enough for anyone to hear.

'THE' JACK: Oh, lovely.

TARDIS: OH! Gotta go now, Jack. I see London approaching fast in the horizon, time to deploy landing gears!

'THE' JACK: You haven't got any landing gears.

TARDIS: Metaphorical landing gears, Jack! _Metaphorical_ landing gears. It means it's time to prepare for touchdown.

'THE' JACK: What are you expecting to find in London, anyway?

TARDIS: I've no idea, the readings aren't very clear. Something about a portal... or a wormhole... or something. I don't know. And to be honest, it would just spoil everything if I knew it beforehand, wouldn't it? Finding out is half the fun!

'THE' JACK: hehehe Right, you go on and have fun, then.  
'THE' JACK: But wait, do you think it's safe to fly the TARDIS through a wormhole right now? What if you get stranded? You'll only be able to get it to fly through time in a day!

TARDIS: No worries, I'm parking my TARDIS once I get there. I'm taking the bus!

'THE' JACK: Wow, the Doctor taking the bus?!

TARDIS: I KNOW! Isn't it exciting? =D

'THE' JACK: hahaha yeah, yeah. Good luck to you, Doc!

TARDIS: Thanks, Jack. Happy Easter!

'THE' JACK: You too, Doc. =)

.

_TARDIS is now offline._

'_THE' JACK is now offline._

.

_

* * *

_

I'd always wondered why the Doc was taking the bus in "Planet of the Dead" instead of using his TARDIS. I guess this could be an explanation. ;)

I don't know when the next part will be ready... because I haven't actually started it yet. But, hopefully, it won't take too long.


End file.
